Neglecting Istanbul and My Cameras

I still live in Istanbul.

That statement seems fairly obvious to me, but maybe it isn’t to you. Sometimes it’s unclear to my friends, including the ones who also live in Istanbul.

Writing this blog often leads to small deceptions. I’ve been writing out of chronological order and catching up with all the travel I did in the summer and fall. While it seems like I’m still jumping all over the place, I haven’t been in California or Sri Lanka for months. Most of my time is spent here, at home, in Istanbul. Except for a work-related trip to Vienna and Budapest, I haven’t left Turkey since December.

And yet I haven’t written about Istanbul in ages. Not only that, I haven’t been taking many pictures. Something broke in my camera or my lens before I went to Hungary, and the three rolls I shot there came out blurry. (I am not that blind.) Shooting film is always prone to unpredictability and variable results, but there’s an emotional toll when the pictures don’t come out– it makes me reluctant to trust the camera as much. I put down my Pentax and didn’t take pictures for nearly a month.

This is extreme for me. Photography is my passion, my obsession, my compulsion. I shot with my iPhone, and a bit with my Holga, but for weeks I haven’t used most of my cameras.

This is a two-headed problem. Part of it is about trusting my machines again, and not being afraid of failure. (Something I work on in all aspects of my life, constantly.) The other part is pushing myself to see Istanbul with fresh eyes again.

Or maybe I need to refocus on the little things that make up my life here. The seaside strolls, the ferry rides, the coffee shops. It is easy to make a story out of a singular experience– say, a jazz festival in Sri Lanka, or a day chasing art installations in Boston. It’s trickier to form my daily life into a story, especially a visual one. Living in Istanbul can be extraordinary, but it is just day-to-day life for me.

Spring is creeping into this city. I am a spring baby and I’ve always been drawn to the fresh beginnings of the season, to the wet grass and lilacs and the way your shoulders loosen and the days get longer. Here is my spring resolution: shoot often, and fearlessly. Write about Istanbul, the beautiful beast city I call home. And never forget that life is awfully marvelous.